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new years was superb!!!!!

new years resolutions, death cab for cutie,dancing to beyonce, standing in the middle of the street...my amazing cooking skills, and super cholatie brownies!!!!!

i feel positive about the new year because i started off in a very positive manner. im rather excited....

21 in 28 days..wooohooo!!

Current Location:
kitchen table
Current Mood:
optimistic optimistic
Current Music:
beyonce!!!!!
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finals are finshed, what a relief. i got out with all A's and B's...i am quite content with this.

i am so excited about seeing people again...maggie wants to hang out, daniels in town, ill probl hang out with jared, jenn and i are tryen to put some plans together for afer christmas shopping...i just feel excited about seeing everyone!!

i think this might end up being an especially good winter break...

any one who is going to be around the first week of january...i am gunna have a holiday party...tea and cookies and those cute little sandwiches....i'll put the date out there within the next few days...

Current Mood:
relieved relieved
Current Music:
beyonce
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so far i have an A in public speaking

and a B in philosophie..

this is all very good!!!

i have an english paper to write...i have no idea what to do the novel we had to read was insane. i kept thinking that it would start to make sense...but i read all the way through to the last page the last sentence, the last word...i read the whole thing..i hardly ever read the whole thing when it is for school.but i did, i really read it in desperation, hoping that it would all come together and make sense in that final word.

i remain puzzled.

history on thursday and then i have to turn in this impossible paper that night...omg.

men are dogs; if it doesn't run, they dont chase it. but they think this is not correct... put they prove its right all the time its incredable.

Current Mood:
confused confused
Current Music:
belle and sebastion
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so i feel like i am starting to screw things up..im getting inpatient and stuborn....i hate how i do that...i am trying to stop...but its like hes starting to play it all cool and i am going into a defense mode where my additude becomes kinda like i dont care, a good visual would be to think of an 8 year old sticking out their bottom lip and crossing their arms....they are old enough to know that this sort of behavior just wont get you anywhere...but, ummm they just keep doing it....

conclusion: i need to swallow my pride and stop being aloof....cause it isnt going to get me anywhere.

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steal away to me...

sometimes you just want to take a load off...to kick back...you could go be social and all that jazz...but sometimes its better to be alone with your happy thoughts...

to sit and listen to fleetwood mac and dream a little while your still awake i guess.

i love days like today...the ones that go by fast but you are still taken it nice and slow, nothing to serious happens. i just sorta hung around today doing what i wanted....i think i am gunna go to tower records and buy cd or 2 tomorrow, after work...maybe make sandwitches and go hang out with dani ...cause she has been in texas and i miss her and we have soooo much to catch up on....

even children get older, im getting older too.

Current Mood:
mellow mellow
Current Music:
fleetwoodmac
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im happy. dont think that i am miserable.
i guess i suppose i just always feel like i am second best. i try so hard to do things for people and be there for them when they need me no matter what i have to sacrifice. does it make sense if i say that i am growing-up without me? like i do things that are responsable and the right thing to do, and what is best for the family and im still in school and working more and paying bills and blah blah blah....but i feel like inside i am screaming no. laying face down on my bed and punching and kicking the mattress while i shriek "i dont want to, you cant make me!!!!" there is a 16 year old girl inside of me that i dont think got out enough .... i never went throught that intense stage of rebellion and now i am to sensible to do it.

im thinking no 21st birthday party. cause i mean i dont even like drinking that much and parties are a bust. last years was ok i guess...but when i think about it i just feel like an idiot because of what happened right after...or maybe even during and what i found out about 3months later ... and honestly it makes me feel like crap about myself. and then im thinkg well who is going to come...i can invite all my friends over who will bring their significant others and then there will be me. and karla can say that she will be there but i know very well that if she is moving back to sf she will already be gone.

i hate important birthdays...i know that if i do nothing i will look back and feel sad about it..but i also know that if it sucks..which i am seeing is a huge possibility, i will look back on it and be sad............what the heck am i supposed to do ........

maybe iwill not request it off and then they can make me work and i can use that for an excuse.

i think this has snowballed and made me fairly discontent, go figure.
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Current Music:
sufjan stevens
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my mother and i got into a fight today...i yelled she yelled .... and nothing got acomplished. i walked away, i had to go to work. we have never gotten into an arguement and not finished it, things are always resolved, and i dont like that they aren't right now. she went out with friends before i got home- i spent an hour writing down what i wanted to say, because i know this is not finished. it made me feel better, but it is going to be so hard for me to say anything to her- i hate confrontation, but its a part of life and i know that. i just hate telling someone that they are doing something that hurts me or that isn't right or good for themselves or whatever- cause it makes me feel bad i would rather they lived happily in ignorance thinking that everything was fine. so now i am about to go to bed and everything is still unresolved.

even though my friends can annoy me at times and let me down it is really awsome when something happens and they are there for you like danny was for me at work today- it is the best feeling and the worst feeling to just have someone hug you while you cry. we are having breakfast on tuesday to discuss an array of issues.

i thought i was doing so good, but then you just wake up one day and things just start to go wrong. or maybe they have been going wrong all along and you just now noticed it, either way -you get all these feelings like everything that is wrong in you life and all the things that you dont have are in some way just a result of your own inadequicies- its all your fault, its because there is somthing wrong with you and noone else. and that seems to make sense and then you feel terrable about your self, cause you dont know what it is that is making you so messed up that no one wants you - you dont know what to change to make yourself better or acceptable or useful in life---maybe thats why you dont get along with certain people because they see to much of what you are lacking.

i just want to feel like i am good enough for somone or something i just want to know that i am wanted or needed or at least noticed

i hope i wake up tomorrow and feel like things are going good again.
Current Mood:
apathetic ive been better
Current Music:
john mayer
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i dont pity you, and you cant make me.

school requires too much reading.

the boy at the bank is adorable.

grande white mocha looked at me in class--but i refuse to talk to him, cause he is fantasy guy and i prefer him to stay that way instead of being let down or led on or whatever the technical terms are for what happens to me all the time in differnt ways. I am content with light hearted glances and swirling his espresso shots with sweet chocolatie goodness.

its time for a good shower and some of grandma's meat loaf.

i almost forget what it feels like not to be painfully lonely all the time.

Current Mood:
content content
Current Music:
east german string quartet
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i have officially given up all possible hope...and i have come to terms with the facts that i was depressed before...i went through a period of ok ness....and now i am trying really hard to not get depressed again...but i feel all weepie and sad....and i hate the sun, i miss the gloom...boowhoo for me!
Current Music:
the velvet underground
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last night, around midnight, i did something i have never done before...but i didn't do it to hear what i wanted to hear i did it to hear what i didnt want to hear. so that i can move on...because my heart can't stand somone else stringing me along.

but i haven't heard anything back yet...and i don't like this waiting feeling....cause when you wait hope grows...no matter how hard you try to smother it...in little moments when you dont even realize that you are thinking about the situation, you start to imagine how great it would be if things happened in your favor...and then you stop yourself ... and sooner or later it hapens again.... and it hurts.

i wish it was gloomy outside.

Current Music:
dcfc
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